TNR Happenings, December 11, 2023

Did you used to feel special? I think most of us did when we were young and then something inexplicably happened. We fell out of our specialness, through no fault of our own. We weren’t looked at or treated the same. Things were happening outside our sphere that cast a shadow on our lives. We were completely unaware and yet this changed the trajectory of our life. Something had usurped our specialness and it’s not coming back any time soon. I don’t care who you are, this is a MAJOR theme in our life. Most of us are on a lifelong search for this specialness. Someone who sees this in us or something that temporarily brings back the feeling (drugs, sex, alcohol, drama, poverty, problems, etc.) Our dreams are full of this concept and the nostalgia of what could have been. The fortunate among us have continued to see ourselves as special and surrounded ourselves with people who also see us as special. In my heart, this is the essence of TNR. Like layers of the onion, when you get past the outside layers of what TNR can do for you, it rewards you with that deeper feeling of specialness; that feeling of belonging to something bigger than yourself and your banal complaints, injustices and grievances. It inspires and encourages you to see yourself as you truly are (SPECIAL), not how you have been seen by others.      

Regardless of how others view your specialness, you are special. Divinity, God, or the Sacred source guarantees this, not a manmade agency, opinion of society, government, or parent. This is what I see in every one of you. It’s not good enough to observe this trait, it must be converted into a verb. My sacred duty is to bring out this inner sense of specialness, of the capability of serving others (this includes you as well!) As babies and children, we are helpless and dependent. Our survival is contingent upon adapting to the way we are treated with the threat of being abandoned, punished, or shown conditional love hanging over our heads. The mandate of belonging to a tribe is indeed strong and we will contort ourselves into any shape to belong. It’s not logical, analytical, or truthful. It’s social survival that feels exactly like physical survival (death).    

When I see people over 30, I almost always see a subtle or not-so-subtle sign of sadness, an implicit agreement of going against one’s true nature. The smile is on their face and not in their eyes. They’ve falsely agreed to themselves that they are not special, a plain Jane, vanilla, and not worthy of a second look. How can they enter into intimate relationships and give their all? How can they be a service dog for people if they think they are a mutt? If they choose to have kids, how can they reinforce specialness when they have given theirs away or had it taken away? Believe it or not, they will subconsciously not allow their kids safe passage to their specialness/innocence, and jealousy and envy will rear their ugly heads. Fun, pleasure, intimacy, money, and happiness will be withheld from them. Some call it struggle; I call it not feeling special. They go along with the flow, need to be taken care of (spouse, corporate, etc.), and are relegated to being non-special in all areas of their life. I see my daughter, Randi Jo, and the way she relates to Marley. Marley is treated as her mother was treated. She also is made aware that the sun doesn’t revolve around her. Discipline, boundaries, connectedness to others, etc. are life lessons learned and experienced. My daughter’s face was ripped up by her favorite friend Grizzly, a gorgeous Akita. She wrote a paper on it about life’s lessons and even though her face was damaged and her dog was put down, she was thankful over time for the experience. Only through experience and suffering can we grow. Children have to go through unfortunate circumstances to nurture or develop this ingredient. You can see all the ways children attempt to hold their parents as hostages. Temper tantrums, moods, stubbornness, anger, refusal to cooperate, and thinking the sun revolves around them. If you feel special, you don’t need to behave like this. You already have everything; you aren’t coming from lack or scarcity. Like a mangy dog that refuses to submit to its owners, it always is a result of someone not doing what needs to be done. With all of my Miracle Training clients, this was never done by a person they could trust their lives with. Until this is done, there is no cure and healing becomes very unlikely. Like I am fond of saying, DON'T DO IT! The longer you let this go on, the harder it is to correct the feeling that the world owes you a living. Co-dependency or coddling is a stay of execution as the child will be heavy on the world in adulthood and they will find the world has very little tolerance for takers, privileged, and arrogant people. My daughter’s hardships have shaped her into the incredible young adult she is today. It’s a paradox of feeling special but not superior to others and thinking the sun shines only on you.

Kenny spoke about how every one of us is special and the impact we have made in nearly 20 years with the kids. It does matter. Purpose and meaning give aliveness to our lives. With no meaning and no purpose, boredom and depression will be your companions to remind you of these lost ingredients. There is a huge cost involved in cultivating this ingredient if you didn’t get it with your upbringing. You may have to go against your upbringing and weed your garden of friends, etc. The cost is the same for all of us. You can’t stay a caterpillar and a butterfly at the same time. The caterpillar must be given up to become the best version of itself. Most stay as caterpillars, complaining about butterflies that are flying (succeeding and flourishing) all around them. Instead of doing the work, suffering, and putting in the effort to become a butterfly, they cross their arms, protest, and refuse to become a butterfly as they condemn those who have embarked on the hero’s journey.  

Marley